With its going nowhere plot, atrocious acting, and lack of overall care, Madame Web is the perfect film for aspiring filmmakers, as it shows them how to not make a movie.

I’ve noticed a very bad trend in the media that I end up reviewing for Stargazer. Rather it be TV, movie, or video game, most of my recent reviews have been for mediocre to bad products. It’s not that I enjoy talking about bad stuff, I mean who really wants to subject themselves to incompetent media 24/7? But come on, this one’s just too much. I won’t even bother with a prelude. Madame Web is bad, and I implore you to not spend your money on this attempt of cinematic assassination.

Bad Characters

I’m still trying to figure out who actually asked for a Madame Web movie. It’s not like anybody really hates her. Madame Web in the comics was a cool concept for a character, but I would’ve never highlighted her for a movie above other well known Spiderman characters like Miles Morales or even a villain like Kraven the Hunter (OH WAIT). It also really doesn’t help that you can basically summarize every major character in this project using the word “Spiderman”. You have the protagonist, a.k.a psychic Spider-Man. There is Spider-Women 1-3, the supporting characters who just hang around without purpose. There’s Spider-Man’s uncle, who I guarantee was brought in just because they needed a more recognizable character for marketing. Then you have the villain, who is evil Spider-Man, and I think he’s rich.

It may seem like I’m reaching, but these were the only takeaways I got from most, if not all the characters in this movie. Outside of Cassandra Webb, our protagonist, we really don’t understand who the characters are, and why they were so important to be put on the big screen. Hell, the villains in the recent Sony Spider-Man movies tend to be the highlights, but I can’t pin anything either interesting or relevant that makes evil Spider-Man worth any kind of brain power. At least Matt Smith was entertaining in the ridiculously bad Morbius. I can’t even remember his name and I just saw the movie like two hours ago. Also performances are as dry as Sandman. I like Sydney Sweeney but like I can’t really point to one scene where she is decent, and good lord Dakota Johnson’s atrocious in this. If the lines didn’t convince you that she phoned it in, then there’s no hope.

Bad Plot

What’s the plot? I couldn’t tell you, and I guarantee that the writers probably had the same result. The best way I can summarize the plot is basically “things happen, because…” Take the movie intro, for example, where Madame Web’s pregnant mother is in the Amazon Rainforest with the villain researching spiders (just go with it), when she’s poisoned by a lethal spider. then a mystic tribe of spider people help deliver her child before she dies from the bite. Then, without any repercussion, or any sense of narrative direction, we cut to Madame Web working as a paramedic in New York City. Why? Who knows, the movie never explains how she escaped the Amazon Rainforest.

But this is just one scene, surely the rest of the movie isn’t like this, right?

The main gimmick (I guess you could call it a gimmick) of why this movie even happens is that (again, bear with me), the spider bite from 20 years ago starts giving Madame Web visions of the future, and where the evil guy kills three women because, and I shit you not, he was having constant dreams of these women trying to kill him. let him on the fact that these women might not even exist, he manages to locate these women because…, and the rest of the movie is just one giant chase (like you’re being chased by the police in GTA 5). Also, things just happen and we’re just supposed to ignore it, like Madam Web, constantly going back-and-forth between New York, and the Amazon like it’s her backyard. She could just locate the spider tribe without any problems. Even typing this makes me sound stupid because I can’t really find any correlation between the two. Like I like that the film’s being different but that’s really the only kind of like positive I can really think of. Even trying to recollect what happens at this movie is just one giant migraine.

Also, I’ll save you the trouble and spoil the ending. The villain dies after being flattened by a Pepsi logo, but not before blasting Madame Web in the face with a firework, which is how she becomes blind. Also, those women that he’s dreaming about never really put on any kind of spider suit, that this movie’s existence it’s just one giant bait and switch.

Bad Production

Back when the trailer dropped for this “mess”, plenty of people online criticized the overall look & aesthetic for matching that of a CW show, and honestly, that’s insulting to The CW. Madame Web had an $80 million budget, and the finished project looks like something that would come out of a university production class. I understand making movies is difficult and I’d know from personal experience, but I would find it extremely difficult that nowhere in an $80 million budget were you able to find time nor resources for reshoots. It’s not like the movie was like physically, demanding, and special effects or any sense of crucial scenes, but if most of your scenes can be summarized as talking then running, talking then running, and you still manage to pull off something so depraved of originality, and you deserve some kind of award. Also keep in mind, Godzilla Minus One, a relatively cheaper project, looks infinitely more appealing, & actually has plot. Also, at least Godzilla Minus One was a competent enough production, to where at least I don’t see any audio equipment in the final product. Like seriously, how did this make it past any editors, directors, or even test audiences? I mean to be fair, I doubt anybody would even see Madame Web, even if they were being paid for it.

Bad Movie

So yeah, that’s Madame Web, and at this point, I’m done. Like I can’t really say anything else about this movie. When I was initially writing my thoughts about this train wreck, I figured that “hey, if the movie wasn’t going to bother trying then I shouldn’t really bother with the review.” To me, this felt less like I went to see a movie and more like I was watching a tax write off. Why did this review take so long? It’s because I honestly couldn’t even be bothered to type anything that wasn’t just pure spite and anger. There exist good movies out there in theatres right now like Drive-Away Dolls, yet I put myself in a position where I gave Sony my time and money to watch this. However, I can’t really call the project infuriating to watch. Unlike Indiana Jones 5, Madame Web never really had any expectations thanks for the laughable trailer, so the project ends up being more of what you’d expect. So if you wanna watch two hours of things happening because they do, then Madame Web would be peak cinema.

not even worth the rating

(or a closing quip)